Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto