Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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Just so funny
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.