Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
This headline is a thing of beauty
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you