Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
the three genders
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*praying for world peace*
God:
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds