Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back