Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
In space, no one can hear…
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.