Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
You Might Also Like
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.