[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
What
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks