@slimmy_shady: Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I'm the bartender.
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@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
@girl_a_whirl: Batman: Life isn't a video game. Your actions have consequences *Robin writes 'I'm sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®' 100 times on Batpaper*
@maebemarbles: Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
@iLikeCatShirts: Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels? Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.