Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.