Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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Danger is very dangerous
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Husband of the year 😂
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.