Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
bro what is going on at twitter
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds