Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.