Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.