Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.