Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.