ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
He wanted to make sure😂
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.