Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏