There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.