Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
just left a huge legacy in there
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.