Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face