Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.