Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Worth a try
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want