Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
What?!?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.