Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….