Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.