Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I only eat vegetarians.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.