Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
😂😂
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.