Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?