Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Here’s a meme
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.