Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis