Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Said the murderer.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Cutest fight ever.. đ
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Terribly Tuesday.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: iâll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if itâs both
angel: youâre on
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen đ
– me flirting
When Bryan Adams sang âBaby, youâre all that I wantâŚwhen youâre lying here in my armsâŚâ I bet he was talking about brisket.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But thatâs okayâŚ
Me: Why is it okay that itâs ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: đłđł
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didnât fold themselves?!?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.