Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.