Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized