Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting