Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m not wrong
I just ran a .003048K
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.