Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
best review i’ve ever seen
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.