Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.