Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi