Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
i hate you platonically
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.