ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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I didn’t realize that was an option
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.