ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I think the cat got the dog high.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get