ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.