You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Husband of the year 😂
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Buck naked
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.