The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
This took me a second..