Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,