ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”