ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.