ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Sheep
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…