[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!