Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
he was correct
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Saw online –
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate