Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
That’s incredible! 👌
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.